Caregiving a Parent with Dementia Who Abused You, Longevity and Immunity 6-30-26
The News for the Ages by Rethinking Aging club episode recorded June 30, 2026 tackled a heavy topic first. Debbie Howard presented an article by Katie Engelhart, which highlighted the challenges faced by caregivers who were abused by the parents they cared for, particularly those with dementia. The article revealed that at least 20% of U.S. caregivers have been physically, mentally, or sexually abused by their parents. Debbie emphasized the complexities of dementia, including the difficulty of distinguishing between past abuse and new behaviors. Our discussion also touched on the financial and emotional burdens of caregiving, the importance of planning, and the potential benefits of mental health services and trusts for caregivers.
Ellen Khalifa presented an article on longevity and immunity, focusing on the Buck Institute’s research on extending health spans and the importance of a healthy immune system and nutrition. The article features their CEO Eric Verdin.
Commentary from Linda Sherman, Ray Gordon and Elizabeth Magallon Fleury.
Presented by Debbie Howard, Caregiver Advocate, Aging Matters International
NY Times Magazine 6-17-26 The Pain of Caring for a Parent Who Abused You by Katie Engelhart
https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/15/magazine/elder-care-parent-abuse.html
Katie Engelhart interviewed two dozen caregivers who described being harmed by the parents they were caring for.
The United States is reliant on unpaid family caregivers, and millions of adult children are caring for parents who didn’t really care for them.
Related
NY Times 6-27-26 My Awful Mother Is Getting Alzheimer’s. What Do I Owe Her? reply by “the ethicist” philosopher Kwame Anthony Appiah
Resources:
Debbie Howard’s LinkedIn article on this topic
Families need to plan for caregiving before their caregiving recipient has dementia. Because Debbie’s article had a lot to do with caring for people with dementia we also talked about documents that need to be prepared:
A good estate/elder-law plan for dementia often includes four layers:
– Durable Financial Power of Attorney*
Gives someone authority to pay bills, access accounts, hire caregivers, pay for home modifications, pay care managers, and arrange long-term care.
– Advance Health Care Directive / Health Care Power of Attorney
Names the person who can make medical decisions when you cannot. The National Institute on Aging describes this as naming a health care proxy to make decisions if you cannot communicate.
– Living Will / Dementia-specific care instructions
This expresses what kind of care you want or do not want, especially around quality of life, feeding, hospitalization, comfort care, and end-of-life wishes. Alzheimer’s Association describes advance directives as documents that record treatment and care preferences, including end-of-life wishes.
– Revocable Living Trust, if appropriate
This can let a successor trustee manage assets for your benefit if you become incapacitated. It is especially useful when there are homes, investments, or complex assets.
Alzheimer’s Association planning advice
Barak Gaster’s dementia directive from 2018
Powers of Attorney AARP 2021
*Durable Financial Power of Attorney
This lets you name a trusted person – often an adult child – to manage your money and pay for your care if you become mentally incapacitated. “Durable” means it continues to work after incapacity, including severe cognitive decline or dementia. AARP specifically notes that durable POA can help families avoid court intervention when someone has severe cognitive decline such as late-stage dementia.
The document should be drafted to say clearly that your agent may use your funds for your care, comfort, housing, safety, transportation, in-home help, care management, assisted living, memory care, and other support. It can also say whether family members may be paid for caregiving – but that part should be done carefully.
Kaishauna Guidry, MD, hospice expert and author in our audience commented:
‘There’s often issues obtaining 2 capacity letters to invoke the POA. I deal with this all of the time. A family recently had a bad day in court because an NP filled out the paperwork. Lay people need to understand that these legalities require a physician. The healthcare system
The healthcare system has trained the public to use the term “provider,” which is confusing to patients and families
There are also dueling siblings that can complicate these matters. One disgruntled sibling questions capacity just because of ongoing family dynamics.
As you age, please learn about these things to protect the estate for care.’
Presented by Ellen Khalifa, Habits Coach for Healthspan and Wellspan
SF Chronicle 2-22-26 Longevity and Immunity by Erin Allday featuring Eric Verdin, CEO of the Buck Institute for the Research on Aging
https://www.sfchronicle.com/health/aging-longevity/article/age-old-immune-system-21367407.php
Apple access
Referred to with Ellen’s article
Eric Verdin quote that we liked: “we’re moving from observation science to intervention science”
Buck Institute Launches Healthspan Horizons to Turn Long-Term Health Data into Actionable Healthspan Insights. 3-5-26 announcement
Debbie mentioned Maddy Dychtwald’s Ageless Aging book and our Rethinking Aging Club Podcast with her in December 2025
Linda referred to TRX suspension training straps.
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Discussion hosted with commentary by: Managing Editor Boomer Tech Talk, Rethinking Aging Club podcasts founder, executive producer and co-host Linda Sherman; with co-host Ray Gordon, architect, urban planner and futurist, Tech Reporter on Boomer Tech Talk; and Debbie Howard, co-founder, Tokyo-based AgeTech platform Living Best
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Nickie’s Tune written and performed by Richard Sherman
